Always in Need of You

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM

YA ASSALAMO
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM
YA MALIK UL QUDDUS
YA RAHMAAN, YA RAHEEM
YA WALIO YA NASEER
AL MUQEETU!
AL MOIZZO!

YA ALLAH YA ALLAH !!

THANKYOUUU!!!
SHUKAR ALHAMDULILLAH!

Allah Taa'la, You make me so confident
You give me so much strength, courage, self-esteem...

You are the Provider of EVERYTHING!
ThankYou soooo much for the camping trip today!

I am sorry for skipping Zuhr prayer
Please forgive me Allah Taa'la pleaaase

Allah Taa'laaaaaaa

I am scared I might forget You :(
I am scared I'll disobey You
I am scared I am disappointing you right now
I am scared of Your displeasure :(

Allah Taa'la
I want to Be good, I want to DO good
I don't want darkness in me
I want LIGHT, NUR, ENLIGHTENMENT, PIETY, GOODNESS, LOVE, FAITH, TRUST IN YOU,
Not only do I Want these things, but I infact NEED these things too!!
I need them all, desperately!

I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AT ALL TIMES
FROM THIS VERY SECOND, UP UNTIL THE DAY I DIE

No More

I feel like I can't be myself around my dad

Why do I feel like I need to wear a mask around my dad?

Take this mask off
Remove this veil
its hiding my true colors
its making me disappear

I feel traumatized when he's around
I feel..like I need to act a certain way
But I don't want to pretend
I don't want to play games

I'm tired of doing that day in and day out
If he can't love me for who I am..then he will never love the masks I wear either

No more fear
no more
no more
no more

no more anger
no more
no more
no more

no more pride
no more
no more
no more

Writing Vs. Prayer

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM !

Ya Salamo!
Ya Malik ul Quddus!
Ya Wali o Ya Naseer!
Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum!

:) :) :)

Today is the very first day of my summer vacations! Alhamdulillah!
However, I feel like I'm not off to a very good start because I skipped all my prayers today :S
I'm sorry Allah Taa'la :(

Its just...You know, I feel so much closer to You when I write
and as ironic as it sounds, I actually feel more distracted when I pray!

I don't know why I don't feel like I can express myself to You properly when I pray to you verbally...
I forget what I want to say
then when I doo say something, its so hard to find the words to say it right
and I can never keep track of the things I have said so ..I always find myself wondering if I left anything out .. haha! :) :P

Seriously, I just feel so much more comfortable writing to You
Infact, the more I write, the better I get at talking !!!

I think its cause, since I am more of a Visual Learner, its more easy for me to say words that I have SEEN with my eyes
so, when I'm talking, I can actually visualize each word in my head before I say it !
:D
yeah!
Its literally like having a strip of words flowing in my head
and I'm a news reporter reading off the script hahahaha :D

Allah Taa'laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You understand naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
but then again, I know that prayer is obligatory...and I am not exempt from it
I know that prayer is extremely beneficial for me
I know that prayer is strengthening and relaxing.
and I know that I have no valid excuse not to pray

still, I Pray to You to forgive me if I can't keep up with the five prayers
i ask You to still help me be among the women of paradise..
Please Ya Allah

I mean...I just want to be a better person
loving, merciful, humble, good-mannered, soft-hearted, well-spoken, helpful....
I want to walk in the footsteps of the Beloved Prophet Muhammad SalalahuAlayhaywasalam, I REALLY DO!!!!!!

Help me naaaa !
I want prayer to assist me in becoming a person with all these qualities.
I don't want it to be the other way around...

So help me Ya Allah,
Help me, please!
Ya Walio Ya Naseer!
:) ThankYou
and Help me, Please!
:):):)

Let Go

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!

:)

ALHAMDULILLAH for the skype session with my siblings and my mommy today! :)
It felt really good to talk to zarwah and sadan about mama and babajan
It felt so good to just laugh with them
Its so magical and miraculous how something as simple as Laughing with family can be so therapeutic !

Love is such a beautiful thing
sharing laughter and joy is THEE ultimate food for the soul
and it is the greatest beauty in life

Ya Allah
I was talking to You earlier about my behavior with Babajan
I definitely believe it can be improved
I pray to You to help me be the best I possibly can with my parents
Ya Assalamo
Ya Ghafoorur Raheem !
I need to forgive him
There's so much venom in my heart for him
I want that venom to change into ...at least something non-deadly haha water would be good :P

I need to let go of the past
I need to let go of the feelings of hurt and anger, disappointment...all that...
These feelings really need to go
I NEED THEM TO BE OUT OF MY SYSTEM
I have carried them on my shoulders long enough

I need to feel like a feather
I need to let go

So I pray to You to help me
Let Go.

I am getting distracted, Allah Taa'la :[ extremely...distracted. i guess theres no one to blame but me i am responsible for allowing myself to be distracted and giving in to the distractions. i am the only one to be held accountable for being weak and listening to the whispers and obeying the whispers i am the only one who will be questioned for my thoughts, words, deeds... and I am the only one who will answer You ..... Allah Taa'la I fear that day of questioning and complete accountability. maybe thats why im studying accounting? haha to get better at ...holding myself accountable for my deeds. *siigh* Bus please madad kar dain meri Ya Allah! Ya Rahman! Ya Raheem Ya Naseer ThankYou Allah Taa'la, for Love, Light and Hope Allah Taaa'laaaaaaaaaaaaa :):):):) wooooh naaaaaaaaaa THANKYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Love love Loveliness

I love being here
Love studying here
Love attending classes here
Love getting good grades here
Love performing well here
Love the atmosphere
Love the teachers
Love the buildings
Love the people I've met !
Such wonderful friends Alhamdulillah!

I Love the weather today
I Love the chota sa course for the final exam
I Love how I'm not freaking out
I Love Love Love You for blessing me with all of this
Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah


ThankYou for such Beautiful reminders Ya Allah Subhana u Taa'la
ThankYou
You are always saving my soul when I don't know any better but to destroy myself.

Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum
Ya ALLAH
I don't know why I always find myself trying to fill the void inside me with the empty goods of this world
It frightens me now to be so addicted to turning to these worldly attractions over and over and over again
It boggles my mind to to see myself unable to detach, break free from these useless attractions
How come I am so ...like tuned to these things?
I need to break these habits
need to break free from the spell of worldly goods
fame...feeling pride because of worldly success...looking down on others
being overly judgmental about others
somehow..always finding my way back to worldly music
committing the fraud of the eyes...stealing glances..that I know very well Allah is Perfectly Knowledgeable of!
Allahu Akbar! When will I learn!
When will I grow up, think long term..plan ahead...plan for the

:) Chit chat with the Creator

BismillahiRrahmaanIRraheeemm
Ya Assalamo
Ya Rahmaan
Ya Raheem
Ya Malikul Quddus!
Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum!
Ya Wali o Ya Naseer!
SHUKARALHAMDULILLAH for enabling me to see all the different places here today
ThankYou for this gentle breeze
ThankYou for this shade !
ThankYou for enabling me to perform well on the exam!
I'm sorry I tried to cheat :[
I'm sorry about that
I can't believe I did that
It was so wrong

ThankYou for helping me to talk to people with so much more ease !
Ya Rahmaaan Ya RAHEEEEEM
It was so amazing to see the Art Gallery at the Haas Center today
I loved the Artists comments.
I really liked how deep the philosophy behind their artwork was.
The Auditorium was magnificent to say the least.
It's so grand and elegant!
Yup, I enjoyed exploring the Haas Center the most! :)
ThankYou Allah Subhanau Taa'la :) for a wonderful semester!!!!!
Ya Allah, I really wish to be very active in the summer on campus.
Please make this wish come truuuue hehe :) :)
I wish to be very involved in Islamic Activism with Sameera and my other fellow muslims here in bloomU!! InshAllah!! :):)

My Dearest Allah Subhanau Taa'la!
It was really funny how you placed us together today
It was funny how we passed by each other before the test started
It was funny how we approached the entrance of sutliff hall at the same time that day
Its just FUNNY thats the only word I have for it
The situation which I am describing as funny is basically a situation where I am trying to avoid something, but that object continues to pop up in my life. It's like, the more I try to avoid it, the more it comes up/the more I have to face it/and the closer it gets to me.
FUNNY FUNNY FUNNAAYYY
Ya Allah! Ya Assalamo!
You know what I think?
I think that you create these Funny situations so that I can learn to grow as a person.
Because You have a great sense of Humor, also I think You know that Humor is the best way to teach us Humans hehe
So, I feel like you create these Funny situations, so we can learn hard things in an easy way !
I have a feeling, and it is only my opinion, that You create these 'funny' situations so we can learn how to step out of our comfort zone. So its like, You help us to Comfortably step outside of our comfort zone .

That's what I love about You so much
You are so Gentle with us
Even in apparent 'mishaps' , You are actually helping us to step out of our comfort zones in the most comfortable, pain-free way!
You are never harsh with us . NEVER
You are so patient with us Forgiving and...
I feel like, even though most of us would confess to 'not having enough time for You in our day '
You, on the other hand, have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD for us!!! SUBHANALLAH!
You're never 'too busy to talk to '
You are ALWAYS READY to Listen to us!!!!! and Respond to us!!!!!!!! and Love us! SUBHANALLAH SUBHANALLAH SUBHANALLAH! :):):)
I just feel like all I have left to say is THANKYOU
Nothing else comes to mind Just Gratitude, SHUKAR,

Allah Taa'la...waisay, I still tried to follow him today.
I was still looking at him, deliberately.
I ain't gona lie.
I am going to be TRUE TO THE CORE, TO EVERY SINGLE TINY PACHINY DETAIL!!
I am not going to be in denial of the loserness inside of me
I am not going to deny the whispers I hear
i am not going to sit here and deny the faults in me

Instead I am going to ask for Your forgiveness and
I pray that You save me from repeating the same sins!

Oh ya Allaaahhhhhhhh :D THANKYOUUUU once again! for lovely lovely human interaction :"D :D :D eheeeheeeheeeeeeeee
Soooo nice of her to come up to me and talk!
I wish I could be more like that Just be easy going and friendly and talk to peoples
I dont like how Im so like to my self....self absorbed...Matlab...I dont want to engage in vain talk or anything...but You know just make casual talk..small talk..enquire about peepulz health shealth ask them if they are facing any prablemo
ask them if I could be of assistance to them yeah, small talk like that!
I don't want to communicate with people for selfish reasons
I wants to commooneecate with people for SELFLESS REASONS! :D:D:D jez jez jez jez! :D

I am ashamed I don't even remember the name of the girl from my accounting class who came to talk to me! I thinkkk it was Jessica! :O Ya ALLAH! Please help me to keep track of the names of people I feel so bad when I can't remember their name. I think its rude not to remember peepulz names...its a sign of self absorption :/!!!

Ya Rahmaan Ya Raheeem!!!!!!
Yaaa Ghafooor ur Raheeeem
Ya Assalamo
Ya Malikul Quddus!
THANKYOUUUUUUU FOR THE PYARA PYARA MAUSAM!!!!! :):):):):):):)

THANKYOU FOR MAKING THE FINALS EASY FOR ME!!
YA ALLAH!
It was so sweet how jessica gave me a pencil to use in my accounting tests twice!
and it was so sweet how she told me that she felt concerned when she didn't see me present at the exam room! :)
annnnnd Im just really happy she talked to me :)
Was a really nice gesture from her :)
Bless her Ya ALLAAAAAH! :D Bless everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
Ya Allah...I like how clean people smell around here hehehhe hahaahahahahaahha :D
ThankYou for that too :D
I think I have almost nevaar come across an American who stinks hehehe :D

I'm still searching for fame
hunting it down like its a game
Why dont I understand
theres nothing in a name!
Why dont I understand
all that matters is Remembering the Name
Remembering it again and again
Remembering the Name of Allah!

Coolness of the Eyes

I have a problem. I think I should call it the 'excessive-love-for-men' syndrome. That is, excessive love for Good men, to be exact. Yes, I am suffering from a very severe form of this condition. Such that, all it takes for me to start taking an interest in a man is for him to be polite to me. & thats it, he immediately has a place in my heart. Something as simple as a man greeting me kindly, or helping me pick up something I dropped or even just holding a door for me-these simple things are what are EXTREMELY attractive to me. Its like, the second any man does even the tiniest act of kindness towards me, I start Like-liking him. This is a problem because, its like Im constantly falling in love :S Yet I thought love was all about finding only ONE person and spending the rest of one's life with only him. So how come I can't seem to stop feeling attracted to every nice guy that crosses my path? I actually think its kind of perverted in a way for me to feel like this. I feel disloyal and unfaithful already. I feel like I don't have a solid standard or criteria for what my heart should love. I feel like I'm not giving my heart what it really deserves and I'm constantly trying to satisfy it with inadequate substitutes. So, Allah Taa'la...What I want to say is that I think males are beautiful creatures. I appreciate them, I appreciate the fact that you created them. I am grateful that you created them. I am grateful that you made them to be protectors of the believing woman. I pray for all of my dear muslim brothers too. I pray I do not violate the rights of men. I pray I am always respectful to men, in thoughts, words and actions. and I pray to you with all my heart, to make me a wife who is the coolness of the eyes for her husband! :) ThankYou Alla Taa'la!

Please

BISMILLAHIRAHMAANIRAHEEM YA ASSALAMO
I'm feeling down
I don't want to I don't want to feel this way because
I don't want to be ungrateful

Allah Taa'la whatever he said just felt really bad
I LOVE the MSA
its like my lifeline at BU
its the reason theres so much more life in me
and he criticized the MSA, said that I shouldn't be a part of it
said that they are losers arranging a fund raiser at this time

I just can't take it
I can't digest all of that when it comes to the MSA and
I cannot bear it when he discourages me to be a part of these organizations these faith-related organizations

then again, maybe the truth is that ..I CAN bear it
You sent this my way because you know that I CAN bear it
Al Muqeetu Al Muqeetu !
I beg You for strength, perseverance, determination, contentment,
I plead to You to grant me Strength of the heart I need You

Allah Taa'la...I feel bad now...I feel like I'm one of those people who don't turn to You when they are happy
and just come running to You whenever they face a problem
Like yesterday, all I did (at least most of the time) was stare at my 'likes' ..especially the one from T and his comment and its just I'm so disappointed with myself and I still looked at purple in class its like Im still doing all the stupid things that I used to do like Im refusing to change and its so sickening to see myself this way a prisoner to my whims, desires, I can't believe that I'm still hooked I can't believe that Shaitaan still has such a grip on me well...I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My faith isn't very strong as it is...and Shaitaan stops at NOTHING to break my fragile faith

Allah Taa'la
Aaoozoo Billaa Heemeenashaitaanirajeem BISMILLAHIRAHMAANIRAHEEM!

Please Allah Taa'la PLEASE Don't let him come in between the MSA and me.
meaning. Don't let him come in between You and me. Please

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRAHEEM
Ya Rahmaan Ya Raheem
My Dearest ALLAH TAA'LA
I feel like the self obsession is creeping back in
that negative emotion is close by
I can sense it at this moment
I sense it in the way it pleases me to see the number of likes increasing on a photo I uploaded on facebook
I feel it in the way I take pictures of myself and admire the result afterwards
I can sense it in the way I obsess over what clothes I should wear the next day
I can feel the self obsession in the way
I feel over confident all of a sudden
I don't want this pride
I don't want this arrogance
because there is nothing about me that I should proud of
and I am not better than anyone else to feel arrogant.
I ....really have no right
I have nothing
I am nothing
I want to feel like I am nothing at all times
Help me to be humble, Ya Assalamo! Ya Mutakabiro!
I have wasted too much of my life glorifying my Nafs
This monster of a Nafs needs to be shattered into a million pieces and blown away with the wind.....!!!