Love Heals All

Its amazing how much can happen in just two weeks. Its even more amazing when you don't even have to move a single mile for your heart to have a 180 degree change.
These past two weeks have made me a brand new person. The people I have been with in this time have contributed to my emotional growth a lot.
I don't really know how to explain my internal growth. I don't have the words to tell you how I have changed exactly.
Maybe I could put it simply by saying that I am more 'me' now, than I have been in a long time.
I feel less insecure. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I suppose I feel this way because the fore mentioned people made me feel confident in myself. They made me feel like the real me is appreciated, you know?
I felt like I had no reason to hold back my feelings. I felt like there was no reason to restrain from doing what I want to do because I'm not doing anything wrong.
Being with them made me feel Loved. As they say, Love is the greatest healer. and That is what has happened. My heart has been healed by Love, affection.
I owe it All to Allah. He brought me loving people right when I needed them the most.
Now, these people have a Permanent place in my heart. They will Always mean the world to me. & I just think its so funny how we were practically strangers before they came to visit. Yet in this brief period of time, they have become family. More than family, they feel like an extension of myself. I say this because, I connect with them so well its like our souls are one.
Seriously, I'm not even kidding. You know sometimes you meet people who you feel like you've known your entire life? That's what I feel when I'm with them. They're the kind of people I don't have to be self-conscious around. I don't have to rehearse lines in my head to say to them. I don't have to carefully plan out a certain 'behavior' to adopt in front of them. & not even for a single second do I have to worry about offending them in any way. I can Literally Breathe with ease when I'm with them. My mind is so relaxed and carefree when I'm with them.
It is INSANELY Amazing to have known them intimately like I've been blessed to do.
Allah Taa'la, You can expect a gazillion words of Gratitude to You for blessing me with a companionship with the Saeed's. I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL TO YOU.
and even if you strip me of EVERYTHING I have right now, I will STILL be grateful to You for bringing the Saeeds into my life. Because I have learned over the course of my short life, that a Loving family is really all one needs.
THANKYOU ALLAH TAA'LA.

You Live and you learn to Love

Its been a long time since I've felt like I'm part of a family.
I have honestly felt really lonely in the past. My siblings, my parents, everyone a complete mystery to me. Everyone like a puzzle I just couldn't seem to figure out. I can't remember the last time I have felt 'emotionally-safe-and-sound' at home-if that makes any sense. But now, just recently, things have been so different.
My heart feels alive. The walls seem to be getting shorter, as I timidly remove brick by brick, making way for love to come in.
Though, I feel like, even though I'm opening up now, there's still that risk of getting hurt at the same time.
Reminds me of a saying on a pin up button I have : 'Love and pain are friends forever' :)
That is much too true.
I just don't know when to stop, when to start, how much to love, how much to hold back; things always seem out of balance when I open my heart.

Maybe there's a problem in the reasons I open my heart and what I expect to get back.
I want to be able to BE unconditional Love itself, so I never have to worry about give and take.
I want to Live to Love so every breath feels natural.
I NEED to BE Love, I don't want to Want Love.
I want to Give Love

something like that I guess, but I sure as heaven don't have a clue how to accomplish that.

Well, I'm in no hurry. I'm fine getting a hang of this one step at a time. Cause thats what life is all about-you live and you learn.
You Live and you learn to Love. :)

Always in Need of You

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM

YA ASSALAMO
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM
YA MALIK UL QUDDUS
YA RAHMAAN, YA RAHEEM
YA WALIO YA NASEER
AL MUQEETU!
AL MOIZZO!

YA ALLAH YA ALLAH !!

THANKYOUUU!!!
SHUKAR ALHAMDULILLAH!

Allah Taa'la, You make me so confident
You give me so much strength, courage, self-esteem...

You are the Provider of EVERYTHING!
ThankYou soooo much for the camping trip today!

I am sorry for skipping Zuhr prayer
Please forgive me Allah Taa'la pleaaase

Allah Taa'laaaaaaa

I am scared I might forget You :(
I am scared I'll disobey You
I am scared I am disappointing you right now
I am scared of Your displeasure :(

Allah Taa'la
I want to Be good, I want to DO good
I don't want darkness in me
I want LIGHT, NUR, ENLIGHTENMENT, PIETY, GOODNESS, LOVE, FAITH, TRUST IN YOU,
Not only do I Want these things, but I infact NEED these things too!!
I need them all, desperately!

I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AT ALL TIMES
FROM THIS VERY SECOND, UP UNTIL THE DAY I DIE

No More

I feel like I can't be myself around my dad

Why do I feel like I need to wear a mask around my dad?

Take this mask off
Remove this veil
its hiding my true colors
its making me disappear

I feel traumatized when he's around
I feel..like I need to act a certain way
But I don't want to pretend
I don't want to play games

I'm tired of doing that day in and day out
If he can't love me for who I am..then he will never love the masks I wear either

No more fear
no more
no more
no more

no more anger
no more
no more
no more

no more pride
no more
no more
no more

Writing Vs. Prayer

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM !

Ya Salamo!
Ya Malik ul Quddus!
Ya Wali o Ya Naseer!
Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum!

:) :) :)

Today is the very first day of my summer vacations! Alhamdulillah!
However, I feel like I'm not off to a very good start because I skipped all my prayers today :S
I'm sorry Allah Taa'la :(

Its just...You know, I feel so much closer to You when I write
and as ironic as it sounds, I actually feel more distracted when I pray!

I don't know why I don't feel like I can express myself to You properly when I pray to you verbally...
I forget what I want to say
then when I doo say something, its so hard to find the words to say it right
and I can never keep track of the things I have said so ..I always find myself wondering if I left anything out .. haha! :) :P

Seriously, I just feel so much more comfortable writing to You
Infact, the more I write, the better I get at talking !!!

I think its cause, since I am more of a Visual Learner, its more easy for me to say words that I have SEEN with my eyes
so, when I'm talking, I can actually visualize each word in my head before I say it !
:D
yeah!
Its literally like having a strip of words flowing in my head
and I'm a news reporter reading off the script hahahaha :D

Allah Taa'laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You understand naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
but then again, I know that prayer is obligatory...and I am not exempt from it
I know that prayer is extremely beneficial for me
I know that prayer is strengthening and relaxing.
and I know that I have no valid excuse not to pray

still, I Pray to You to forgive me if I can't keep up with the five prayers
i ask You to still help me be among the women of paradise..
Please Ya Allah

I mean...I just want to be a better person
loving, merciful, humble, good-mannered, soft-hearted, well-spoken, helpful....
I want to walk in the footsteps of the Beloved Prophet Muhammad SalalahuAlayhaywasalam, I REALLY DO!!!!!!

Help me naaaa !
I want prayer to assist me in becoming a person with all these qualities.
I don't want it to be the other way around...

So help me Ya Allah,
Help me, please!
Ya Walio Ya Naseer!
:) ThankYou
and Help me, Please!
:):):)

Let Go

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!

:)

ALHAMDULILLAH for the skype session with my siblings and my mommy today! :)
It felt really good to talk to zarwah and sadan about mama and babajan
It felt so good to just laugh with them
Its so magical and miraculous how something as simple as Laughing with family can be so therapeutic !

Love is such a beautiful thing
sharing laughter and joy is THEE ultimate food for the soul
and it is the greatest beauty in life

Ya Allah
I was talking to You earlier about my behavior with Babajan
I definitely believe it can be improved
I pray to You to help me be the best I possibly can with my parents
Ya Assalamo
Ya Ghafoorur Raheem !
I need to forgive him
There's so much venom in my heart for him
I want that venom to change into ...at least something non-deadly haha water would be good :P

I need to let go of the past
I need to let go of the feelings of hurt and anger, disappointment...all that...
These feelings really need to go
I NEED THEM TO BE OUT OF MY SYSTEM
I have carried them on my shoulders long enough

I need to feel like a feather
I need to let go

So I pray to You to help me
Let Go.

I am getting distracted, Allah Taa'la :[ extremely...distracted. i guess theres no one to blame but me i am responsible for allowing myself to be distracted and giving in to the distractions. i am the only one to be held accountable for being weak and listening to the whispers and obeying the whispers i am the only one who will be questioned for my thoughts, words, deeds... and I am the only one who will answer You ..... Allah Taa'la I fear that day of questioning and complete accountability. maybe thats why im studying accounting? haha to get better at ...holding myself accountable for my deeds. *siigh* Bus please madad kar dain meri Ya Allah! Ya Rahman! Ya Raheem Ya Naseer ThankYou Allah Taa'la, for Love, Light and Hope Allah Taaa'laaaaaaaaaaaaa :):):):) wooooh naaaaaaaaaa THANKYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU