Sabar Chahiyay, Bahut Zayada

BismillahiRahmaaniRaheem

ShukarAlhamdulillah

So basically, I is having a lavly day so far and thank Yous and Mehbarbanis for everythings and the maza I have been having and this awesome roomy roomy Maulana Rumi weee.

Room 315 to be exact. Imma remember dat numba.

so the room has two tables, like long long dinner table type scene and let's see, 10 CHAIRS! das pretty cools 10-10 WINS!

I just Laaav numbers and counting stuffs and accounting and I lava lava Yous and and thank Yous so muches for errythang

I love how it's all new for me here today 

love doing new stuffs erryday and thank You for the lovely start to the day and thank You for ze eternal lurv and 

well, I was just thinking about his 'wife' and I guess I'm just kinda curious bout her and I wanna know more about her and her personality etc etc. I just want to be able to compare her with someone else that I know. honestly..An.Tah. came to mind. like a fairer version or like a kul. in a way. she's prolly prettier than em for wateva. 

It's just interesting tho. I mean, two wives for one man. It's almost as if, that makes more of a complete household than 1 mard and 1 aurat. Personally I kinda like the idea. matlab cheating ka masla bhi kaafi had tuk solve ho jata hai. like, since men are so easily 'bored' its like they need 'variety'. gosh that sounds so shallow and it makes me want to gag, but this really truly seems to be the reality of things. i guess one can't really challenge or compete with or like, have an aitraaz / objection with nature. I think all that mother nature really requires from us is understanding and acceptance. Facts are facts and they must never be disliked or denied or rejected. 

So anyways, I just really hope she won't hate me or whatever. Personally to I really want them to get divorced. esp if she doesnt intend to convert at all. then she's just an annoyance and someone to lead him astray. >_>

but i mean if she shows an interest in islam, i could consider having a softer spot for her. laikin if she is a typical amreeki, hard headed christian, completely unwilling to understand Islam, phir I just really want her to get away from him. I don't want her hanging around him agar us ka sirf yehi kaam hai keh usko seedhay rastay say hataye.

In conclusion, yes, I do wish/hope/intend to shaadi-fy. Laikin phir bhi abhi I have my fair share of doubts and questions that need answering and lectures that must be given to this imbecile who refuses to move out of the way <_>_> . 

I just hope that I can have the patience to get through this. also, I'm just really eager in general to understand how this turns out 

also, yaar, obviously he has a super soft spot for her jis ke waja say shaadi he kar kay baith gaya so. 

i mean, divorce doesn't sound like a good option either

like i would PREFER keh at least MERAY SAAMNAY interaction nazar aa rahi ho 

as opposed to CHUP CHUP kay interaction with her on social media etc.

I WOULD HATE THAT TO HAPPEN. is liyay. bus abhi time he hai . 

i'm counting on time, I'm counting on Allah SubhanauTaa'la to straighten things out for me automatically. Aur inshAllah no doubt, straighten ho jayein  ge, bilkul theek thaak Allah ke mehrbani say, Allah ke Rehmat say, Allah ke Fazal se, Allah ke ADAL AUR INSAAF SAY! ALLAH JEE PLEASE BUS MERA YEH EMOTIONAL BOJ, BAGGAGE DUR KAR DAIN MUJH SAY

YA ALLAH MADDAD FARMA 

YA ALLAH MADDAD FARMA

AAKHIR TU HE HAI, MADDAD KARNAY WALA 

ALHAMDULILLAH TIMES INFINITY. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING 

THANK YOU FOR THE EVERLASTING GIFT OF PEACE 

AND QALB E SALEEM AND YOUR REMEMBRANCE AND DUA AND PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION AND THANK YOU ALLAH TAA'LA SERIOUSLY BAHUT ZYADA 

also, I really don't want to do any zyadati with A.R. Ya Allah bacha lain ghaltiyon say

Allah bacha lain, bacha lain. 

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam!

             

YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! 
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM! YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM!

11:11

So ello and all. Gotta say I've been having a blast in life so far. Things have been pretty darn good. There's been this big fat change lately in me, emotionally and spiritually. It just feels like I continue to evolve each and every day and it is exciting to witness the progress in me as it occurs. 11:11am right now. 

Still have an assignment that needs my attention. So, cj's existence and his inclusion in my life has changed things for me quite a lot. I really just needed to say that. It's so strangely interesting and mind boggling actually how one person's friendship in your life can make you feel so much better. For so long I didn't even have a clue about what I was missing. No doubt there's a lot of blessing in the institution of marriage. I just love how I can finally start learning to appreciate it, firsthand. He really is a coolness for my eyes, my soul. Something just feels so right when he's around. 

Also, it doesn't matter to me what he did in the past. Is kay ilawa I was also thinking that going all goo goo over him isn't the right answer either. I mean there's obviously no good in idolizing a person. So, what matters to me the most is us being able to maintain a true companionship based on nothing other than the truest form of friendship. 

What matters to me right now is simply being there for him when he needs someone to talk to. I don't intend to hang around him all the time or obsess over him excessively. I want to maintain a relationship with him in the manner which is most pleasing to Allah. Obviously, Allah Taa'la he jaantay hain keh waifu and husbandu kee behtareen form kya hoti hai. So, what I'm after is optimum, rather maximum achievement of dat level ya know ya know. The level of true believers of the Truth. 

InshAllah, it is most certainly achievable and possible to maintain as well, with the help of Allah Subhanau'Taa'la ofcourse. 
 And to conclude, I simply pray for the best at all times. I pray for both of us to be aiming for closeness with Allah at all times. 
Be reminders to each other of the ultimate goal.
Be caring and compassionate towards one another.
Create ease for one another whilst traveling through the world, 
a journey towards the hereafter. 
 wherein souls will abide, happily ever after? 
 reaping based on one's deeds of course. 

Ya MuqallabalQuloobi Thabbat Qalbi Aalaa Deeneeka
ShukarAlahmdulillah
Sayyidina RaheemunSalalahuAlayhayWasalam

 

Love Heals All

Its amazing how much can happen in just two weeks. Its even more amazing when you don't even have to move a single mile for your heart to have a 180 degree change.
These past two weeks have made me a brand new person. The people I have been with in this time have contributed to my emotional growth a lot.
I don't really know how to explain my internal growth. I don't have the words to tell you how I have changed exactly.
Maybe I could put it simply by saying that I am more 'me' now, than I have been in a long time.
I feel less insecure. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I suppose I feel this way because the fore mentioned people made me feel confident in myself. They made me feel like the real me is appreciated, you know?
I felt like I had no reason to hold back my feelings. I felt like there was no reason to restrain from doing what I want to do because I'm not doing anything wrong.
Being with them made me feel Loved. As they say, Love is the greatest healer. and That is what has happened. My heart has been healed by Love, affection.
I owe it All to Allah. He brought me loving people right when I needed them the most.
Now, these people have a Permanent place in my heart. They will Always mean the world to me. & I just think its so funny how we were practically strangers before they came to visit. Yet in this brief period of time, they have become family. More than family, they feel like an extension of myself. I say this because, I connect with them so well its like our souls are one.
Seriously, I'm not even kidding. You know sometimes you meet people who you feel like you've known your entire life? That's what I feel when I'm with them. They're the kind of people I don't have to be self-conscious around. I don't have to rehearse lines in my head to say to them. I don't have to carefully plan out a certain 'behavior' to adopt in front of them. & not even for a single second do I have to worry about offending them in any way. I can Literally Breathe with ease when I'm with them. My mind is so relaxed and carefree when I'm with them.
It is INSANELY Amazing to have known them intimately like I've been blessed to do.
Allah Taa'la, You can expect a gazillion words of Gratitude to You for blessing me with a companionship with the Saeed's. I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL TO YOU.
and even if you strip me of EVERYTHING I have right now, I will STILL be grateful to You for bringing the Saeeds into my life. Because I have learned over the course of my short life, that a Loving family is really all one needs.
THANKYOU ALLAH TAA'LA.

You Live and you learn to Love

Its been a long time since I've felt like I'm part of a family.
I have honestly felt really lonely in the past. My siblings, my parents, everyone a complete mystery to me. Everyone like a puzzle I just couldn't seem to figure out. I can't remember the last time I have felt 'emotionally-safe-and-sound' at home-if that makes any sense. But now, just recently, things have been so different.
My heart feels alive. The walls seem to be getting shorter, as I timidly remove brick by brick, making way for love to come in.
Though, I feel like, even though I'm opening up now, there's still that risk of getting hurt at the same time.
Reminds me of a saying on a pin up button I have : 'Love and pain are friends forever' :)
That is much too true.
I just don't know when to stop, when to start, how much to love, how much to hold back; things always seem out of balance when I open my heart.

Maybe there's a problem in the reasons I open my heart and what I expect to get back.
I want to be able to BE unconditional Love itself, so I never have to worry about give and take.
I want to Live to Love so every breath feels natural.
I NEED to BE Love, I don't want to Want Love.
I want to Give Love

something like that I guess, but I sure as heaven don't have a clue how to accomplish that.

Well, I'm in no hurry. I'm fine getting a hang of this one step at a time. Cause thats what life is all about-you live and you learn.
You Live and you learn to Love. :)

Always in Need of You

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM

YA ASSALAMO
YA HAYYU YA QAYYUM
YA MALIK UL QUDDUS
YA RAHMAAN, YA RAHEEM
YA WALIO YA NASEER
AL MUQEETU!
AL MOIZZO!

YA ALLAH YA ALLAH !!

THANKYOUUU!!!
SHUKAR ALHAMDULILLAH!

Allah Taa'la, You make me so confident
You give me so much strength, courage, self-esteem...

You are the Provider of EVERYTHING!
ThankYou soooo much for the camping trip today!

I am sorry for skipping Zuhr prayer
Please forgive me Allah Taa'la pleaaase

Allah Taa'laaaaaaa

I am scared I might forget You :(
I am scared I'll disobey You
I am scared I am disappointing you right now
I am scared of Your displeasure :(

Allah Taa'la
I want to Be good, I want to DO good
I don't want darkness in me
I want LIGHT, NUR, ENLIGHTENMENT, PIETY, GOODNESS, LOVE, FAITH, TRUST IN YOU,
Not only do I Want these things, but I infact NEED these things too!!
I need them all, desperately!

I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AT ALL TIMES
FROM THIS VERY SECOND, UP UNTIL THE DAY I DIE

No More

I feel like I can't be myself around my dad

Why do I feel like I need to wear a mask around my dad?

Take this mask off
Remove this veil
its hiding my true colors
its making me disappear

I feel traumatized when he's around
I feel..like I need to act a certain way
But I don't want to pretend
I don't want to play games

I'm tired of doing that day in and day out
If he can't love me for who I am..then he will never love the masks I wear either

No more fear
no more
no more
no more

no more anger
no more
no more
no more

no more pride
no more
no more
no more

Writing Vs. Prayer

BISMILLAHIRRAHMAANIRRAHEEM !

Ya Salamo!
Ya Malik ul Quddus!
Ya Wali o Ya Naseer!
Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum!

:) :) :)

Today is the very first day of my summer vacations! Alhamdulillah!
However, I feel like I'm not off to a very good start because I skipped all my prayers today :S
I'm sorry Allah Taa'la :(

Its just...You know, I feel so much closer to You when I write
and as ironic as it sounds, I actually feel more distracted when I pray!

I don't know why I don't feel like I can express myself to You properly when I pray to you verbally...
I forget what I want to say
then when I doo say something, its so hard to find the words to say it right
and I can never keep track of the things I have said so ..I always find myself wondering if I left anything out .. haha! :) :P

Seriously, I just feel so much more comfortable writing to You
Infact, the more I write, the better I get at talking !!!

I think its cause, since I am more of a Visual Learner, its more easy for me to say words that I have SEEN with my eyes
so, when I'm talking, I can actually visualize each word in my head before I say it !
:D
yeah!
Its literally like having a strip of words flowing in my head
and I'm a news reporter reading off the script hahahaha :D

Allah Taa'laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You understand naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
but then again, I know that prayer is obligatory...and I am not exempt from it
I know that prayer is extremely beneficial for me
I know that prayer is strengthening and relaxing.
and I know that I have no valid excuse not to pray

still, I Pray to You to forgive me if I can't keep up with the five prayers
i ask You to still help me be among the women of paradise..
Please Ya Allah

I mean...I just want to be a better person
loving, merciful, humble, good-mannered, soft-hearted, well-spoken, helpful....
I want to walk in the footsteps of the Beloved Prophet Muhammad SalalahuAlayhaywasalam, I REALLY DO!!!!!!

Help me naaaa !
I want prayer to assist me in becoming a person with all these qualities.
I don't want it to be the other way around...

So help me Ya Allah,
Help me, please!
Ya Walio Ya Naseer!
:) ThankYou
and Help me, Please!
:):):)